On Inhibition

It took me years to find a physical activity I liked.  Always the artist and bookworm, I only flirted with sports and bike riding.  In high school, I joined many extra-curricular groups, took AP classes, and worked a part-time job.  As an undergraduate, I was much more concerned about my studies to keep a regular schedule at the gym.  However, the friends I had come to love all bicycled everywhere. I liked that, I had honed my Earthly stewardship enough to realize this was better than driving, especially in a college town where everything is in a six-mile-radius.  So, just like that, one day I decided to start riding my bike to work, one day a week.  When that quit being really hard (I was quite overweight and a smoker), I did it two, then three, then everyday; I was hooked.  

My friend Melissa Green and I had tried to do yoga together on numerous occasions.  Neither of us could stick with it.  We also tried various other aerobic activities, like Tae Bo, classes at the gym, and just couldn't get it.  So, I quit trying and just focused on bicycling, I was learning more about gardening, and of course, my painting and academic studies.  I think I was doing wedding cakes then, too.  I have never had any problem keeping myself occupied with lots of fun and interesting things to do, but sticking with the healthy ones, that's a different story.  

Flash forward to present day, nearing the end of 2015, when my life is more full than it has probably ever been.  Time is at a premium, my son claiming first and most dibs, work coming second and what's leftover?  Crumbs.  My bravado about all those fun and exciting things has been replaced with inhibition.  Is it because there's no room or time for failure?  I've always liked to do my best, be at the top.  Last year, I ran several half marathons and was doing light weight training.  This year, I ran a 5k, an 8k, did start intense weight training and have injured myself a couple times, while barely squeezing into my running clothes.  

When forced into a corner, my old defense was to fight back with smoking guns.  Now, I've seen my mind has thrown in the towel, my body following suit.  Too many stressors, not enough support, equation does not balance.  The pendulum has swung a bit too far for my liking over to the apathetic, "whatever works" side of life.  Not enough time to cook, eating junk.  No limits on drinks and treats.  Not getting enough sleep, feeling frazzled.  With a few days off and a lot of room for improvement, I'm ready to start being more proactive with my health and well-being, one step at a time.

I bought myself a Christmas gift this year of non-slip yoga slippers and gloves.  I think it was 2005 when I got into this great yoga DVD, and started doing it every single day.  I don't think I stopped until Jasmir was born in 2011.  I tried to take it up again, here and there, but with not much success.  I also tried taking up meditation in 2012, again, here and there, but no consistency.  I tried out my first yoga session this morning; the new gear did great.  I was quite stiff and could not hold all postures as long as before, but I finished.  My mind is clear, my body feels pretty good and my breathing is steady.  

When I started noticing inhibition creeping in was when I took up meditation.  The ritual and act of sitting, quieting the mind to re-connect with your deeper self is a serious endeavor.  That old sabatoger was hanging around and never let go.  To be alone needs preparation, time, that which I have not much.  But, I understand how important it is, how much I need it.  But how to balance that with cooking, cleaning, painting, playtime, running, chores?  Chasing my tail is what did.  Putting too many eggs in the basket, and they cracked and made a big mess. 

New Year's Resolutions fail because none of us has enough willpower to make more than one significant change at a time.  I'm not making resolutionS, but I am choosing to make time for health every day.  I have tested and seen my limits, so I will not be training for any races, or competitions this year.  But, I do want to look forward to sunrise, being rested and ready to face each day.  I want to re-discover who my best self is, and I aim to do it, slowly, steadily, one day and one healthy choice at a time.